Natural state
““We as human-beings are inherently social creatures, and are used to operating within cooperative circles of extended family, groups/gangs, villages/tribes, etc.”
“Outside of family, research suggests there are only three levels of relationships: 1) Daily contact with 1-2 people (your significant other and maybe a best friend), 2) Weekly contact with 3-5 people (true friends that provide instrumental support), 3) Everyone else.”
“So what about the rest of your social network? This also has a mathematical elegance: while most people can name ~5 ‘close’ friends, they also consider 15 people ‘good’ friends, and 50 people ‘casual’ friends, with a maximum network size of 150 (“Dunbar’s Number”).”
Scythian example
“As far back as the 4th-century BC, this was ritualistically practiced as “blood brothers”. Sychthian warriors would wound themselves, let their blood drip into a cup with wine, and drink it together as a symbolic oath of their loyalty. Every man was limited to having at most three blood brotherhoods at any time, lest his loyalties be distrusted. As a consequence, blood brotherhood was highly sought after and often preceded by a lengthy period of affiliation and friendship.”
Modern circumstance
“In modern societies, this has been largely destroyed in favor of the individual, nuclear family… This is exacerbated by parents who are often away at work & often divorce, leaving children without parents for the better part of the day or even lives. If these children become upwardly mobile, they repeatedly move to optimize economics at the expense of stable social ties.” - DS
Effects
“Thus, you have the state of modern man: surrounded by fellow travelers in large cities or suburbs, but does not feel truly cared for by anyone & feels incredibly alone. Psychologists found that it’s PERCIEVED loneliness, not the # in your network, that predicts poor health.”
Social networking
“Leave “networking” for the professional realm. When it comes to personal relationships, if you can just manage to find three friends in this world that would sacrifice for you, that’s all you need.”
“That’s why “networking” is often futile. My contrarian take is that “connecting” to many folks via social media is actually an avoidance of loneliness. It makes you feel connected in the short-term but rarely leads to deep or long-term connection, unless it transfers offline.”
Building friendships
Time
“Once you’re clear and connected about what’s important to you, and you feel either bittersweet or moved to do something about it, then you begin the slow, hard, work of building rich and fulfilling relationships. No shortcuts. Takes hundreds of hours.”
“One study found it takes 50 hours to move from acquaintence to casual friend, 90 hours to move from casual friend to good friend, and 200 hours to move from good friend to close friend.”
Caring and reciprocity
“Time is necessary but insufficient. Those who never moved beyond acquaintences usually spent no more than 30 hours together, though many who had spent hundreds (e.g. colleagues) also didn’t progress. Taking genuine interest in each other’s lives is key.”